Time Out

No parenting website would be complete without addressing the topic of Time Out.  Time out is a popular parenting tool, and can be used effectively, but it’s an ill-defined concept.  Your version of time out could be different than mine or anyone else’s, so I’ll start with some clarification.  One use of time out is as a break.  In this sense it is not a punishment or a sign of misbehavior necessarily, simply a neutral, unemotional separation.  If two children are having a hard time getting along you might see the need for a little break from each other and suggest a time out.  The children can go to different rooms and play something else for a specified or unspecified amount of time.  If two or more children are arguing over a toy and can’t find a good solution using their words, the toy might have to have a time out and be put away somewhere for a while.  Even moms can have time outs in this sense: a short period of time to be in your room alone. When interrupted you can explain to your children, “Mom needs a break for just a little bit, a time out.”

The more common usage, however, is time out as a punishment.  Parents know that spanking is no longer an acceptable general-use punishment, and they want something that they can hold over the child to elicit cooperation.  The problem with punishment is the more you use it the less effective it is.  The child may be afraid of the punishment in the beginning and motivated by that fear to behave as you want them to. But after a few times of experiencing the punishment he will realize it’s not that bad, and the motivating effects will wear off.  Any kind of punishment (taking away privileges, grounding, time outs) needs to be used sparingly to be effective.  If this is your main tool, it’s going to work less and less over time.  Using the proactive principles described in this blog will be more effective in producing the desired behavior.

Another problem with punishments, including time out, is that often parents don’t actually follow through with them.  Saying you’re going to enforce some punishment and then not doing it is just giving the child permission to misbehave over and over again!  The child quickly realizes the punishment is not coming. Granted, it’s a hassle to follow through with your punishment.  It requires a lot of effort on your part, and it brings up a lot of emotions, such as anger and irritation.  It’s easier to threaten the punishment and *hope* the behavior improves so you won’t actually have to go through with it!  But, this style of parenting is less effective, of course.  This gets back to the idea of say fewer words when you’re angry or disciplining.  If you are not ready to enforce the consequence, don’t bring it up!  Just don’t say it.  Say something about how you want them to act; try to find positive behaviors to reinforce; but don’t threaten the punishment unless you absolutely intend to enforce it.

An example of this happened in our family recently.  My daughter had 5 friends sleep over for her 11th birthday party.  My husband and I knew it would be difficult to get them to go to sleep and not disturb us in the night.  He went down to see if they had the blankets and pillows they needed.  He decided to “lay down the law.”  He told them if we had to come down to tell them to be quiet, we would separate them all to different rooms to sleep the rest of the night.  When he told me that, I was surprised.  I said, “You’re not seriously going to do that – separate them after only the first time we have to go tell them to go to sleep?!” We’d be the meanest parents on the block!  He thought for a minute and said he guessed he really didn’t intend to enforce that consequence.  I was a little disappointed that he (who is usually in complete agreement with my parenting principles) would threaten something he didn’t intend to do.  It didn’t matter that much in this one instance, but it shows how easy it is to come up with a scary sounding threat to manage behavior.  As parents we don’t always think through if the threat is reasonable, realistic, or even advantageous to us!  We’ve all had that sinking realization that the punishment we just gave our child was really a punishment to ourselves.  Think before you speak!  Ask yourself if a punishment is really necessary in this situation, and what it will be like for the child and you to carry out the punishment.

These same ideas apply to rewards (i.e., bribes).  Rewards are really just punishments turned around.  If you do this, you get a reward; but if you don’t do this, you don’t.  The withholding of the reward based on behavior is the same as a punishment.  To build enduring patterns of good behavior, children need to be motivated by internal rewards (the positive feelings they have inside knowing they are doing the right thing) more than external rewards (what someone is going to do or not do if they behave).  If they get used to being rewarded for each action, they will stop doing the behavior once the reward stops.

There are the occasional instances where rewards can be effective.  When you’re in a situation that doesn’t come up very often, such as flying on an airplane, rewards can be a great tool.  If the behavior is one you want her to do consistently (not hit her brother, take her plate to the sink, clean up her toys) rewards as motivation are not very helpful.  The effects will wear off over time.  But, if it’s a behavior that you just need them to do once (or once every long while), the short term benefits of rewards can be just the thing to get the child motivated.

Time out can be ONE of your parenting tools, if used only occasionally.  This is how I would suggest implementing this tool.  First, use the proactive tools that have been described in other posts (positive reinforcement, explain expectations, stay close to your child, stop and redirect).  If there is a situation where the child is misbehaving and these other forms of redirecting aren’t working, explain that if the behavior continues, the child will be put in time out.  Don’t ask, “Do you want to go to time out?”  It’s tempting to say that, but it’s a silly question with no good answer.   Say something like, “Please stop hitting your brother with that toy.  If you don’t stop you will have to go to time out for 3 minutes.” If she continues hitting her brother with the toy, you say, “You will need to go to time out.”  Some books say don’t start the time until the child stops crying; I think that sets you up for a control battle.  Some books say to have a discussion about the behavior during the time out; I think this is giving too much attention and reinforcement to the misbehavior.  When the time out is over you can give a short summary and explanation of what you expect: “You were in time out because you hit your brother with a toy after I asked you to stop.  I expect you to treat your brother kindly, and I expect you to follow my instructions.  Please say, ‘Okay, mommy.’”

If used sparingly, the time out will have a strong effect on the child and the behavior will improve afterwards.  If the misbehavior continues you may need to look at the larger situation.  Is the child tired or hungry or had enough of spending time with her brother?  Is there something else reinforcing the behavior (the attention or laughter of an older sibling)?  If you find yourself using time out often, review the posts on this blog and try to implement the other, more positive parenting principles.  It takes dedication and effort to parent in the proactive rather than reactive way, but your child’s behavior will improve and the improvement will not be just for the short-term.  He will have the internal motivation to succeed; he will have the desire to please you with his good behavior because of his positive relationship with you.

Why Is She Crying?

As a new parent, when my child misbehaved I used to think, “I must not be doing the right things or else she wouldn’t be acting like this.”  The parenting books I read would describe certain methods to get your child to behave.  I would do those things, and she would still be difficult.  (I’ve mentioned my irritation with parenting books before!).  My mind couldn’t help but sense that maybe I was not doing it “right.”  There had to be some change I could make so her behavior would improve and parenting would be easier.

The hard truth is it’s part of children’s normal growth and development to misbehave, cry and act out.  They are going to throw fits, hurt other children, refuse to go to bed, whine, and hit. Maybe everyone else gets that intuitively, but this was not something I knew or understood or could even begin to grasp when I was a new parent of a toddler.  I am more of a Type-A personality, used to solving problems head-on.  If my child’s behavior is a problem, there must be something I can do about it, right?!  It was a real epiphany to me that you can hold these two truths in your head at the same time: “I am a good mom with sufficient parenting skills” AND “My child will misbehave.”

This is when I started saying the phrase, “That’s just how kids are.”  It was seriously a shock to me how difficult parenting is and how bad kids are!  Of course, I don’t mean bad, but there is a lot of unpleasantness that I was not expecting. I had to say that phrase over and over, and at first I really didn’t believe it. This can’t be how parenting really is!  Why didn’t someone warn me?!  You don’t see the worst behavior of other children in public (and if you do, you assume they usually aren’t like that), and I became obsessed with wondering how my child compared to other little kids.  Was she worse?  Better?  By how much?  I secretly wished I had a camera in other moms’ homes so I could see how things really were.

Because I had unrealistic expectations, I became unduly irritated at what I perceived as misbehavior.  One incident that sticks out in my mind is putting on my two-year-old’s shoes.  She was fighting me and kicking her feet at me.  Looking back it seems silly that I was so shocked, but at the time I was very irritated and angry!  Just put your *&%$ shoes on!  After a while (and a few kids) I came to see that as normal and even expected behavior.  I got used to the general, every day difficult behaviors.  Children will fight the shoes, the car seat, eating dinner, and going to bed.  I had to learn to be patient through all of it.  Part of the problem was I was magnifying these problems and viewing them as a reflection of my parenting skills or self-worth.  Once I truly believed this was normal behavior, I was also able to believe that I was a competent parent.

So I realized that parenting becomes easier when you have the appropriate expectations of children and when you are accustomed to their behavior. It also helps to focus on the good parts more than the difficult parts.  Reinforcing your child’s positive behaviors helps you focus your attention on what the child is doing right more than wrong. Another skill is being grateful for the tender moments with your child: when she’s on your lap and you’re reading a book; when she hugs you and says, “I love you”; when she learns how to do something for the first time.  Unfortunately, it took me quite a while to do learn these lessons.  I am so grateful that in my parenting now the tender and fun moments far outweigh the irritating moments.

You have to understand and believe that not only is misbehavior normal, but children’s behavior is very complicated.  They are motivated and controlled by so many different factors, physical and emotional.  You can’t know or understand all those factors.  Many times the reasons for their misbehavior are a mystery.  Sometimes there isn’t a quick fix to that particular problem at that particular time.  You can’t let their behavior undermine your self-worth as a parent.  All you can do is be the best parent you can be, and trust that is enough.  Again, having confidence in your parenting principles can give you the security to get through difficult situations.  It’s easy to get focused on specific misbehaviors and bogged down by what that behavior means about you and/or your child.  But it’s better to look at the big picture.  Keep your focus on your core parenting strategies, and don’t worry if they don’t work all the time or if you’re not sure of the correct response to one particular problem.

Remember, the tantrums, the whining, the stubbornness and all their other difficult behaviors are an important part of their normal development.  THAT’S JUST HOW KIDS ARE!


Monitoring your child’s use of electronics can be challenging.  I’ve struggled with this parenting problem for quite some time, but finally realized that if I apply the principles outlined in this blog, I can get a handle on it, because the problem of monitoring electronics is just the same as any other parenting problem.  You have to 1. Decide what your rules are and 2. Calmly enforce the rules.  (This is one of those “simple” but not so “easy” situations!)

Step One: Decide what your rules are.  This is really where the difficulty comes in with electronics, because we don’t have a sense of cultural or family norms.  With many other situations you can look to what your parents or other parents you know or admire did, but with electronics everyone is new at it!  All parents are floundering, walking around blind, bumping into (metaphorical) corners and chairs.  Talking to other parents helps some, but there are so many particulars – type of electronic, age of child, personal comfort with electronics, knowledge of parental controls. It used to be you could reasonably keep electronics (computers) in the main living area, but more and more children want their own personal device.  You have to decide: Are you going to have all electronics on the main level? Have them “turn them in” at a certain time at night? Turn off the wifi at a certain time? Monitor their usage through history or mobile updates?  There are many options.

When you are figuring out your family rules talk with your spouse first.  Explore how you both feel and make a plan for what the restrictions should be.  Then present the plan to the children and get their input.  Involving them in the discussion (in a developmentally appropriate way) will help them be more invested in the rules.  Be sure to listen respectfully to all their ideas, experiences and concerns.  They may have some valid feedback to consider and you will possibly modify the rules accordingly.

We sometimes present it like this, “We are worried about your electronic use (maybe elaborate on the specific worries and/or reasons these behaviors can be harmful).  What ideas do you have to fix these problems?” These types of discussions can lead to some very useful information – how they feel about their own usage, what their friends’ rules are, what apps or sites they like or visit frequently.  It’s a time for open discussion about issues that are important in their lives.

I’ll tell you a little about our experiences and rules we’ve set.  This is not meant to be a template for your situation because each family is different, but you might benefit from our example and learn some lessons sooner than we did.

A few things that seem like no-brainers now took us a while to realize.  Requiring the door to be open when using a device was the first of these.  The oldest child complained that the younger ones were loud and annoying, so we allowed her to have her door closed.  She would be holed up in her room for hours playing on her device.  Once we figured that out, we changed the rule to doors must be open when using a device.  After a while we changed again, and now we only allow device usage on the main level.

Our second discovery was Restrictions on Apple devices.  If you go to “settings,” “general,” “restrictions” you are able to set up a 4 digit passcode (on EACH separate device) and then set the age appropriate levels for many different aspects: music, apps, websites, games, etc.  It is the simplest, most effective way to limit what content they are consuming.  I wish I’d known about it from the beginning! One friend told me that when she gave her 10-year-old an Apple device she simply took off the Safari (web-browsing) app.  There are plenty of other fun ways to use the device without surfing the internet.

Here is a screen shot of the Restrictions menu.  It’s very simple to turn off certain applications or set maturity levels for various media.


Third, we realized we must create our own account for whatever social media our children are using, and follow them.  Many parents (including myself) don’t necessarily want accounts on the apps their children are using.  But to effectively monitor your child’s usage, you need to take the time to figure it out and check on his activity from time to time.  My husband used this analogy: would you allow your child to have a locked room in the house that you weren’t allowed to go in?  Of course not. You need to be aware of what your child is doing on these sites.  This not only allows you to monitor his electronic activity, but also helps you get to know him.  It’s a little window into his world: his interests, his friends, what he’s posting or liking

Here’s a summary of our other rules or methods of dealing with electronic usage.

  1. The wifi goes off at 10:30 pm. We literally unplug the router because I couldn’t find a system that would turn it off for certain devices at certain times.
  1. The iPhone can still be used through its data, so her data is turned off at 10:30. I set this up on AT&T’s website through our account.
  1. We created an Open DNS account. I set it up to restrict adult websites all the time, and restrict social media usage (what Open DNS calls “time wasters”) after 10:30, just in case we forgot to unplug the wifi.
  1. We don’t allow use of electronics while making or eating food.
  1. Likewise, they are not allowed to use them during family dinner or family meetings.
  1. There is a time limit for Netflix watching.

We wanted to make a rule that they have to hand over the devices when we ask for them, because really they are ours. Even if they bought the device themselves, we pay for the phone service and the wifi.  We got a surprising amount of resistance on this, partially because we didn’t set this up as an expectation from the beginning.  They really believe the devices belong to them and that we are invading their privacy by looking at them.  I can understand their position somewhat.  On the one hand, we as parents need to be monitoring not only the amount of time they use devices, but also what they are doing on them and with them.  However, it is also like reading their diaries in a sense, or listening in to both sides of their phone conversations.  It’s a tricky balance.

I decided to set one hour a week when they give their devices to us.  We chose Sundays from 6:00-7:00.  The regularity helps solve a few of the problems.  First, it gets the girls in the habit of handing over their devices.  It is a weekly reminder that the devices do not belong solely to them.  Second, it gives us a weekly reminder to check on what they are doing.  Without a system or routine, we tend to forget to do this regularly.   We look over their usage and do a quick check (or a lengthy one, if warranted) of their texts, emails and posts.  This is not a complete solution.  They still can and might delete their web page history or texts.  We just have to trust that we have a good enough relationship with them and have taught them correct principles well enough that they will make good decisions.

We do allow exceptions to these rules, especially when the children calmly explain what they want.  As I explained in the post Use Your Words, I want my children to learn that the more words you use the more likely you are to get what you want.  For example, if friends are over, the internet can stay on beyond the usual time. Or, over Christmas break if they want to watch an extra show on Netflix, that’s okay.

Here is a link to a blog with more tips on parental restrictions.  There’s a menu at the top with options for various devices and apps.  It can be complicated and time consuming, but that’s what parenting entails in the 21st century!

Once you’ve decided the rules for your family, give yourself permission to change them as needed.  If you try the rules out for a few weeks or months, you may find they don’t work for various reasons.  It’s okay to say to your kids, “We’ve realized this isn’t working, we’ve reassessed and these are the new rules.” The rules are necessarily going to change through the years as your kids get older and the devices change.

Now we come to Step Two: Calmly enforce the rules.  The rules you decide on are somewhat arbitrary and may change, but once you have chosen your regulations, you can be certain you are doing the best thing for your family at this time.  If you are unsure, children can sense that and will test you more.  Also, being unsure makes you more frustrated and more likely to lash out at them (when it’s your uncertainty that is really causing the stress).  Be secure in your rules and present them in a confident, sure manner.  Also, present them in a positive manner, explaining that it’s your responsibility to keep your children safe and help them develop good habits around device usage, and that you want to encourage real things with real people as much as possible.

As you explain and implement the new rules, your children may (probably will) complain and balk at first, and you may be worried that it’s going to be terrible.  But, BELIEVE ME, I’ve done this many times and always found that they get used to the rules. As long as the rules are enforced in a calm, kind way, there will be no long term negative detriments to their health or well being, or your relationship with them!  At first it seems dreadful, but after a while everyone gets used to it, and things go smoothly.

For the first while we took away their devices for various lengths of time as the consequence of not following the rules.  But this started to feel like we were trying to “catch” them breaking the rules, and I felt it wasn’t conducive to a respectful and trusting relationship.  It finally dawned on me that I was not being true to the principles in this blog!  I was focusing on consequences (which were really just punishments) because doing so was easier and more straight forward.  We decided to change our ways and do away with any consequences, except in extreme cases.  Now we use the methods outlined in this blog.  In Stop and Redirect I explain how most misbehavior can be addressed with a simple reprimand and instruction.  In this case I would say, “Remember not to use your phone in your room.  You’re only supposed to use it on the main level.”  The next important step in managing children’s behavior is Positive Reinforcement.  We notice the times when they are using them on the main level and say, “Thank you for obeying the rule of being on the main level.  I appreciate that!”  We also make sure we Stay Close to Our Children in other ways, to maintain a positive relationship and to know what is going on in their lives.

We set up and modify the rules by having discussions with our daughters, listening to their points, and responding respectfully.  Through this process, they became invested in the rules and verbally agreed to follow them.  After that we give them the benefit of the doubt that they want to follow the rules, they just forget sometimes.  If they are repeatedly disobeying or forgetting the rules we would take the device away for a time (corresponding with the misbehavior) but that is not our first line of defense to encourage obedience.  When it was our first line of defense (when we were looking for disobedience and readily handing out punishment) it set up an adversarial relationship – one based on the premise that they will misbehave and we must “catch” them at it.  It just didn’t feel right to us.

So, in summary, to regulate electronics you apply all the parenting principles in this blog just as you would with any parenting dilemma. You explain expectations; you phrase it in positive ways; you reinforce the good behavior; you prevent your own irritation.  You address your own issues, and you practice patience.  Deciding the particular rules can be difficult, but after that you just stay calm and be kind!

There is another post about electronics here.  Some of the content is overlapping, but it is all important!

Improving Children’s Behavior

When you hear parenting advice that says, “When a child has such-and-such problem, here’s what you should do”, it implies that the problem will go away.  It sounds as if now you have the answer; all you have to do it follow that advice, and your problems will be solved.  Most parenting books or blogs don’t emphasize the slow nature of changing behavior.  It takes a long time to change!  When is the last time you accomplished your New Year’s resolutions in the first month?  More likely you are working on the same resolutions year after year!  When you try to do the right things as a parent and don’t see rapid improvement, don’t lose heart.  Have confidence in what you are doing and remember, it takes time for children to change and improve their behavior.

Think of your efforts as an investment in good behavior in the future.   And remember that as the child gets older, his behavior will naturally improve.  While you are waiting for that time, be kind; be patient with him.  Look at behavior in large, overall sweeps; don’t inspect each behavior or each day with a microscope.  Don’t get too bent out of shape about infrequent misbehaviors, or too worried about how to handle or fix one specific situation.  You won’t know exactly what to do in every situation, and that’s ok.

Raising children is like painting a landscape of a wheat field.  The individually painted stalks of wheat can be compared to interactions with a child or days spent parenting.  They don’t look like much on their own.  Even a few of them together look scraggly and small.  It takes many, many stalks of wheat to make a beautiful painting.  If a few of the stalks don’t turn out great, that’s all right.  The overall look of the painting is what matters.  It can take a long time to feel like your child’s behavior is improving, to see that big picture, but all your efforts count and help in the overall product.

Remember that a child’s behavior is molded more by positive reinforcement (noticing the good) than by negative reinforcement (reprimanding, punishments).  If there is a specific behavior you want to change in your child, sit down and write out the problem behavior and its opposite.  Then focus on complimenting the opposite! Reinforce the behavior you want.  Another strategy is to make a list of anticipated problems (things you know go wrong daily or often) and write your proactive responses to them.  Then practice them! These and other principles outlined in this blog will help guide you in your parenting.  Your child’s behavior will eventually improve, and you will have a positive relationship with him all along the way.

Parenting without Irritation

The more I learn about effective parenting (from observation and from study), the more I realize parenting without irritation is a key principle.  I used to joke with my husband that this would be the title of my parenting book, were I to write one.  As I have watched other moms that I admire, and as I’ve “experimented” with my own children, I’ve found that the most successful parents are the ones who enforce the rules, but don’t get irritated by the misbehavior. Let’s be honest, a lot of children’s behavior IS irritating.  They whine and cry and say the same things over and over and want to do things on their own and tell you that other kids have it better.  The list is endless!  But you’re not going to be an effective parent if you are consistently irritated.  So, take a deep breath and pretend you aren’t irritated.  Learn to tune out the annoying stuff and focus on the cute and good stuff. It’s really a tricky thing, though because you can disengage and not care what they are doing and not “toe the line” or enforce your rules – then you are not irritated, but you’re also not parenting effectively.  So the trick is to monitor and correct their behavior WITHOUT becoming irritated!  You say what needs to be said, “You may not drink fruit punch over the carpet,” “You need to finish your chores before playing with friends,” etc., without going on and on. Here are some tips for staying patient and not getting irritated.  See also Practice Patience.

How to Avoid Becoming Irritated

1. Ignore inconsequential behavior. The majority of annoying behavior is not really “misbehavior”.  It may not be your favorite behavior, but it’s not worth it to draw attention to it (and possibly reinforce it in the process).  Let these behaviors serve as a reminder to give Positive Reinforcement.  A classic example is nose picking.  No parent wants to view this, but many have found that asking them to stop doesn’t work, or sometimes makes it worse.  The best thing to do is say nothing when he is doing it; then find a time when he is not doing it and say, “Thanks for not picking your nose while we talked!  Mommy likes that.”  This may sound a little ridiculous, but do this a few times, without sarcasm and without making a big deal of it, and you will see the behavior change. On the other hand, if you’re asking him to stop all the time you’re not only drawing his attention to it, but yours, and then you feel irritated because “he picks his nose all day long!”  Tune out the unimportant but annoying behaviors and choose to focus instead on the things the child does right.

2.Understand the child’s developmental level and have appropriate expectations. This is one of many places where my favorite phrase needs to be repeated over and over, “That’s just how kids are.”  Kids take a long time to get ready for bed; they have to try to do things themselves; they have to see things or know the answer; they aren’t very patient; they hit others easily and often; they can’t stop talking.  These are normal behaviors for kids, but yes, they can be irritating.  But knowing that these behaviors are part of their developmental process can help.  You have to take the bad with the good, and just get over it.  Certain things are too much to ask of children.  Be familiar with what to expect at each age and what they are capable of. If you’re feeling frustrated repeatedly with a child over a task such as not cleaning up or not eating by himself or not dressing herself, you are probably expecting too much! She may not be ready for that task, and you have to take your expectations down a notch, which can be frustrating, I know.  You really think the child should be able to do this task, and you want to hold on to that and make her do it, but the end result is you’re getting frustrated over and over.  So it’s better to tell yourself, “That’s just how kids are,” “It’s too much to expect.”  And let it go. Sometimes the child will have performed that task last week, but that still doesn’t mean that he can necessarily do it this week.  Children’s progression is not linear; it’s not a straight line up the graph, getting better and better each day at responsibilities.  It’s an up and down line, which is so maddening to adults!  They will be doing something for a while (making their bed, playing on their own, sharing their toys, etc.) and a few weeks or months later they’ve gone back to the old, less desirable behavior.    You always have to remember that what a child can do one day or month he can’t necessarily do the next, and don’t be irritated by this fact!  If he is progressing or focusing more on large motor skills (climbing, riding a bike) then his attention skills may suffer during that time, or vice versa.  This is not a conscious choice for the child, it just happens.  Lots of progress in speech can accompany a slide in a child’s ability to unload the dishwasher without a fuss.

3. Set up the environment for success. This has a lot to do with having appropriate expectations of your child, but takes it one step further  – reminding you to arrange your home and your day so he can be successful.  Look at the situation you are repeatedly angry about and see what you can do to fix it.  Maybe you are not allowing enough time for the child to get ready for bed or ready to leave the house.  Maybe you need to spend more time and attention with him to help him through that process.  Maybe you’re expecting him to not get into things that are at his level, your make-up or cereal boxes, for instance.  You might need to rearrange the environment so he can make good choices.  Maybe you’re expecting him to get along with his brother for long stretches of time.  You have to remember there’s only so long that will last. Be proactive – not reactive! Think about situations ahead of time and how you are going to handle them.  If you’re going on a long car ride or an extra long church meeting, think through what you can do or bring to help the child get through it with good behavior.  What often happens is the parent hasn’t thought through the situation, and the child starts to misbehave, and then gets in trouble or frustrates the parent.  It’s on us as parents to be prepared for what the situation will entail. A quote from The Power of Positive Parenting:

When we see frequent inappropriate behavior, we should ask, “What are the consequences that are shaping and maintaining that behavior? What must we do to arrange the environment so that the behaviors that are in the children’s best interest are properly taught and reinforced?”

4, Reframe the behavior. If you try to understand the motivation behind an annoying behavior it can become easier to take.  A child who swears is trying out those words to see how it feels to say them (not that this behavior should be ignored, just dealt with in a teaching manner rather than a punishing manner).  The child who insists on putting on his own shoes is trying to be independent (and we all want independent children eventually!).  You can also reframe to “Looks like I haven’t taught him the correct behavior yet.”  Then you’re not annoyed by the misbehavior but reminded to teach him the right way to act.  A stubborn child who must get her own way is going to be a very successful adult (studies have shown!).   Looking at the situation in a different, more positive light can help reduce the irritation.

In between writing and publishing this post I was able to apply this principle.  I’d purchased an online winter driver course for my almost-16-year-old daughter and wanted her to watch it.  She had expressed interest in it before I bought it, and it would expire in two weeks, but now she was being negative about it and putting it off.  I was getting irritated and starting to nag, when I realized that she’s nervous about driving in the winter, and that anxiety was behind the dawdling behavior.  Realizing this didn’t change the fact that she needed to watch it, but it greatly reduced my irritation and helped me empathize with her and help motivate her in a loving way.

5. Don’t give unrealistic consequences. If you give excessively long or unrelated consequences the child is not going to learn from them and chances are you will not follow through.  Then you become irritated because she doesn’t listen to you, she doesn’t obey what you say, she’s not made to obey by the threat of consequences.  You feel ineffective and like you have no tools to draw on.  All that can make you very irritated!  You have to remember to say few words, focus on the good, give consequences sparingly and that are close in time and related to the misbehavior and follow through on them.  See Stop and Redirect.

6. Create positive interactions with your child. When your child is having a particularly hard time obeying (a phase over a few days or weeks) this is the time to spend a little extra time with him.  Give him your love and attention and he will feel comforted, but you will feel more positive about him also!  Many days all we do is critique – point out the negative behaviors.  That does not build positive relationships.  That can become a relationship that the child wants to get away from when he can (in adolescence).  You have to point out the good and take extra time to create positive interactions.  Do something that both of you enjoy.  Then you will see and feel the good in your child and not be as annoyed in the hard times.  See Stay Close to Your Child.

7. Identify what is behind or causing your irritation. Sometimes your own issues get in the way of enjoying your children and disciplining/teaching them appropriately.  It takes some insight to realize this, but when I examined my feelings I often found the following factors were at the heart of my irritation.

  • My pride. I am extra irritated when my pride is on the line. If we are at a public event where specific behaviors are expected, I am extra irritated with misbehavior.  When my parents are around and “observing” my parenting, I am extra irritable.  These are different moments for each individual person, depending on what matters to you.  But when your pride is on the line you have to stop and realize that.  Have some insight into the fact that this is YOUR issue, not the kids’.  The kids are being the same as they always are!  They’re just kids, sometimes behaving, sometimes not.  But if I have extra hyped up expectations of them, I’m likely to be extra irritated.
  • My indecision. There are many times when I’m not sure what the right answer is. Should I let her quit piano?  Should I make her sit right by me at the function or let her run around? Should I let her spend all her allowance on silly trinkets?  These are tough parenting decisions, and I feel like I get more irritated with my children when I don’t know what my right answer is.  They keep asking and I can’t decide, or I decide one thing and then question it.  Again, it’s okay to struggle through these times, but I just have to remember the reason my irritation is heightened.  The child’s behavior hasn’t changed.  They are always going to beg for what they want and ask for things that probably are not in their best interest.  I’ve found that I’m less irritated if I just make a decision and stick with it.  Many of these decisions are arbitrary anyway!  Just decide and follow through, and that reduces irritation.
  • My lack of follow through. When I say, “It’s time to go,” and then talk and talk, I can not be irritated that they are not waiting at my heels, coats and shoes on. Of course they are off playing!  They know that “It’s time to go” means “You can play for 5-10 minutes while I talk”!  The more I say things I don’t really mean (I’m going to take that away, it’s time for bed, etc.) the less the children will behave.  And that causes me to be irritated: “Why don’t they listen to me?!” I must remember to only say what I mean and follow through with what I say.
  • Parenting books. Parenting books cause me frustration. They say, “If child is doing X, you should do Y,” and infer that doing Y will make the behavior will go away. They set you up for disappointment!  I’m not saying don’t read them (I am addicted to reading them!) but I just have to keep in mind that any change takes time.  There is no magic cure. And kids are going to be irritating and misbehave no matter what you do.

I want to reiterate that the best thing I did as a parent was identify an overall philosophy (which is what this blog is trying to give you) and not get caught up in the small, frustrating interactions.  When I had a clear vision of parenting principles and things I was trying to accomplish (stay close to your child, have positive interactions, stay calm, etc.) then I could get through the tough times without overanalyzing or getting caught up in the emotions.  Before I had my core parenting principles I felt like each day I was judging myself and my child based on current, minute-to-minute actions.  It was maddening to have to worry so much about what the right choice was.  Once I developed my core principles I could relax a little and avoid getting overly irritated.

Explain Expectations

The basic task of parenting is teaching appropriate behavior. When you approach parenting in this way, you are PROACTIVE, guiding your child in the behavior you want, rather than reacting to whatever behavior he comes up with.  It takes time for children to learn and remember appropriate behaviors.  I tell myself it takes at least 100 times of telling them, and then I don’t count :).  Many misbehaviors can be reframed as teaching opportunities.   Certainly in each new situation, but even at each step of the day you can be reminding and teaching what actions and words are expected.

Here’s an example: “When we go to visit our friends we talk kindly and treat them nicely.  We share toys and clean up toys when we are done.”  You might want to get even more specific: “When we walk in the house and you see your friend, what are you going to say? Maybe you could say, ‘Hi, what do you want to play?’”  And continue on explaining each step of the play date.

Let me make it VERY CLEAR, however, that you are not expecting them to do these exact things when the time comes. That is setting you and your child up for failure!!  You don’t necessarily think they will say these exact phrases, and you certainly don’t expect that they will share the toys willingly or clean up with complete cooperation.  You’re just constantly teaching and talking about what the correct behavior is (see Stop and Redirect for what to do when the behavior isn’t actually what you want it to be).  Your constant monologue about what is going to happen and what you would like them to do will eventually sink in!  But please don’t lose heart if it doesn’t happen quickly.

If there is a certain problem your child is having, like leaving the play date when it’s over, then you could talk about this more often and clearly communicate your expectations, possibly with role-playing. It’s best to discuss it in a calm moment, when emotions are not high.  The conflict moment, when you’re trying to get your child to leave, is not the time for teaching.  That is the time for resolving the situation as calmly and quickly as you can.  Teach in times of good attitude and positive emotion.

So, if you have a play date scheduled for later that day or the next day you could say, “When I come to pick you up from Johnny’s house I’m going to say, ‘It’s time to go now,’ and you are going to say, ‘Okay, mommy.’”  (BTW – ‘Okay, mommy’ is one of my favorite phrases!)

“Let’s practice it now.  Pretend I just came to the door and I say, ‘Time to go!’ What do you say?”  Let the child answer, hopefully correctly.  “Good job!  You’ll say that even if you are having a lot of fun playing and really want to stay.  It’s important that you leave cooperatively when I say it’s time to go.  Then we can come play another time.”

You’re preparing the child to anticipate the fact that they will want to stay, that it will be hard to leave.  YOU’RE EMPATHIZING WITH THAT EMOTION, BUT STILL BEING FIRM IN WHAT BEHAVIOR YOU EXPECT.  This is key.

This teaching and role playing formula can be applied to any situation you are having trouble with, or just used all the time to teach and practice the behavior you desire.

Again, if you pick the child up the next day and he fights and screams, that’s ok.  Just because you taught him doesn’t mean you necessarily expect him to do it the first time.  You deal with the kicking and screaming, then later teach and role play the desired behavior again for the next time.  It takes a long time for children to learn these behaviors.

You can also teach your child what words to say if they want to stay (see Use Your Words, one of the most important posts!).  Like this, “If you want to stay longer you can ask me, you could say, ‘Mom, I’m having a lot of fun playing with my friend.  Is there any way I could stay a little longer?’”

You might think this sounds ridiculous – like, a child is never going to say that!  But if you model it and teach it to him repeatedly, he really will.  Plus, when a child uses words/sentences like this in any conflict situation it DIFFUSES the emotion.  This is so important, and such a magic tool – you will be amazed!  Even if the answer is no, the child will be way more compliant, way less emotional after using his words, and you respond with an equivalent explanation/sentence (“That is so nice of you to use your words and ask me like that.  We have to get home for lunch and your nap, so it is time to go now.  But you can play with Johnny another day.”).

You’ll see that I’m suggesting using a lot of words to explain expectations and teach appropriate behavior and speech, but in the high conflict moments or distributing consequences moments, you don’t use many words, as few as possible, in fact.  That is not a teaching time.

While we’re on this subject I have to say something else about leaving a play date or restaurant or getting your kids to bed or many other similar situations – the kids know you’re going to talk for a while (or read the paper or do something other than enforce the instructions you just told them).  They know they don’t really have to come when you say it’s time to go because you’re going to chit chat.  You might want to include this in your preparation explanation – that you will talk to the other mom for a while and then when you say ‘it’s time to go’ it really is time to go.  But you have to not say it until you really mean it, or else don’t be angry when they don’t listen!  If you really start to pay attention you might find that you often give instructions and then turn and do something else.  You don’t really mean it’s time for bed or time to go, it’s just a heads up that some time in the future we will be going.  Of course it’s polite to chat for a minute with the other mom, but just don’t say ‘time to go’ until you’re really ready.

Let me say a few more things about teaching what behaviors are expected.  One day I had tickets to a play in our town for that evening, for myself and two of my daughters, who were around 6 and 8 at the time.  When it was time to get ready, I told them they needed to go put on nice clothes so we could go to the play.  They threw a fit!  They complained and begged to wear their sweats or jeans, and whined and almost cried.  I was so frustrated!  Here I am, doing a nice thing and taking them to this fun play, and they can’t even change their clothes!  Suddenly I realized that I had not prepared them.  I should have been telling them all week about it – what it was going to be like, how people dress up for plays, what day and time we would go, how fun it would be, how long it would be, what it’s about, etc.  There were so many things I could have done to prepare them for that moment – gotten them excited about the event and also taught them what behavior would be expected.  But I had failed.  This is a helpful reframe of their behavior – they are not being bad, they don’t need to be punished or told they are ungrateful.  They are just being children.  Children need a lot of preparation for any new event.

A similar thing happened when we went to a church event and afterward there was a table of treats.  My kids took one treat after another, and I wasn’t really paying attention.  Then they were running around the gym, and then I realized they’d had five or more treats (possibly one of the children tattled on the other to share this helpful information).  I was really angry (irrationally so, I must admit – doesn’t this happen at almost all church functions?!), but then remembered that I didn’t prepare them.  I should have told them at home, or even in the car on the way to the church, what would happen, what I wanted them to do during and after the event, including how many treats they were allowed to have.  In this situation, as often is the case, other parents weren’t monitoring their children. “Shelly got to have five treats!” So I needed to also prepare my children for this: “Other kids might have more treats than you’re allowed to have, and other kids might run around/take their shoes and socks off/roam the halls, etc. but in our family we . . . .”

Still to do this day there are times when their bad behavior surprises me, and then I realize that I didn’t fully explain to them what is expected.  But I get more frustrated with myself than them, and remind myself to prepare them better next time.

So you need to be consistently thinking about what the next segment of the day is going to include or what events are coming up, and talk about what behavior is expected and what behavior is inappropriate.  Talk about it often, be specific, and role play. Kids love to role play – they think it’s so funny to pretend act.  This is all done in calm, positive-emotion times, and is not used to demean or punish or point out past bad behavior.

Remember, think of failure to behave well not as a reason to punish, but an opportunity to teach.