In my first year of studying life coaching, I learned so much about thoughts, feelings, relationships, and embracing all of life, including the difficult parts. As I applied what I was learning to my role as a parent, I realized that my definition of a successful parent needs to be about what I do and how I show up and not about any result outside of me and my control.
I envision a space in front of me where I have my thoughts, feelings, and actions, and then my part ends. Whatever happens beyond that space—meaning my children’s thoughts, feelings, and actions—belongs to my children, not me. I wanted to explore who I wanted to be as a mom and how that specifically looks. So I wrote the following paragraphs. Of course, I’m not perfect at all these things. Some I’m better at than others, but this is kind of my parenting aspirations, my manifesto. You may not agree with all the ideas, and that’s fine. They are just that: ideas. But reading this might help you see parenting in a new way, and maybe it will help you to go easier on yourself and your kids.
Who I Want to Be as a Mom
I’m a mom who offers help when I see my kids are sad. I don’t need to also feel sad or mirror their emotion. I can choose my own emotions regardless of what they are experiencing. I can offer help and interact with them knowing that their sadness is okay. All is as it should be. I offer to listen and to help them work through it. I don’t give the impression that their feelings are wrong.
(We want our children feel better so that we can feel better. When they’re struggling, we often say, “It’s ok!” or “Don’t be sad,” or we ask, “Why are you mad?!” as if they shouldn’t be. We mistakenly give them the sense that they shouldn’t be feeling these negative emotions.)
I won’t try to get them out of a difficult circumstance (which can be called lawn mower parenting). I won’t think to myself that there is something wrong with their situation or their feelings. I have a new outlook on struggles, difficult circumstances, and negative emotions in my kids. I know that I can interpret events however I want to. There are many ways to think about anything that happens. I can choose to think that these “struggles” are for their benefit. Difficult times are times of growth. It’s okay for them to have a hard time. Life isn’t always easy or comfortable. When my children go through these trials, they are gaining important life skills.
I also see that making the situation into something bigger just makes it worse. I have a tendency to think “This shouldn’t be happening! Or “Why are we so unlucky?” but those beliefs put us all into negative emotion and cloud our problem-solving abilities. I choose to believe that the universe is constantly conspiring in my and my kids’ favor. If this is happening, then it is just what is supposed to happen. We don’t know why, and we don’t need to know why. I can choose to not resist reality.
I’m a mom who creates routines, rules, and guidelines for my kids. However, I don’t believe that my children “should” follow those rules and guidelines all the time. The purpose of growing up is to try out all the different options of behaving. Whatever behavior my children choose is okay. I don’t need to make that behavior mean anything about my parenting, their personality/fixed character, or their future. If it’s happening, then it is supposed to happen. We can all learn from it. Kids will and should make mistakes.
I have rules and guidelines for my kids because I believe that children thrive with a little structure. But I also believe that children should also be able to discuss the rules and guidelines with me if they have a difference of opinion. We can have a calm, respectful conversation. If I say no, I can say no without feeling guilty or believing that their negative emotion is a problem. If I choose to give in, I don’t need to worry that this will “ruin” them or make them more irresponsible in the future. Whatever happens is okay.
I’m a mom who gives a lot of love to my children. I do nice things for them, listen to them, and try to accommodate their needs. I do this because I choose to and not because I require anything from them in return (such as gratitude, telling me about their lives, or obedience).
I’m a mom who gives my children a lot of latitude in how they feel and behave. If they are grumpy, that’s okay. If they are acting out/having tantrums, that’s okay. I see the noise they make as construction noise: not my favorite but I’m not making a big story about what it means (for example, thinking there’s something wrong with my parenting). I know I can feel however I want to feel regardless of how they are acting. It’s natural to feel negative if they are grumpy or to be irritated with them when they are irritated with me. But I try to remember that I can choose my thoughts and therefore my feelings, and I don’t need to mirror them. Once I’ve done what I feel is right in the situation (offered to listen or help them work out their problem), I don’t really even need to notice how they’re acting.
I’m a mom who loves whomever my children love. Whatever friend they are hanging out with, whomever they are dating or marry, I will love that person also. I can choose to feel love for the people my children want to spend time with. I will accept them and treat them with kindness. Whatever happens in that relationship will be just the right thing for my child. I don’t know how their lives are supposed to go, so I don’t need to worry that something is going wrong.
I’m a mom who chooses to believe that my children are on their own journeys and the best thing I can do is love them and allow them to be on those journeys. If they are struggling, I don’t need to make that mean anything about my life. I control myself and my emotions, and the best thing I can do for them is to take care of my own happiness and peace and give them the space to act and feel however they want. I believe that it is not my job to make my kids happy, and I realize that the reason I want them to be happy is so that I can be happy. But I can feel that emotion whenever I choose.
My weaknesses are part of my kids’ growth and journey. I’m the perfect mom for them (even with my imperfections). Also, whatever interaction they have with their dad, sisters, or grandparents is just right for them. I can’t and don’t need to manage that, and I will end up feeling resentful if I try to.